Things have always been my fault for as long as I can remember.
When I spoke up about the girls bullying me in grade school… “Stop making them want to pick on you.”
When I was raped in high school… “You shouldn’t have tempted him!”
When my marriage failed… “What did you do to make him cheat on you?”
So naturally, I’ve always found fault and blamed myself when I’m treated badly.
This never sat well with me. Because from what I know deep within, God makes no mistakes. That means, being that I’m one of his wonderful creations, I’m not a mistake. I’m not a less-than and don’t have to tolerate abuse or other hurtful behaviors. I have value. I matter.
So I started to do quite a bit of self-work… building & strengthening my self-worth and esteem.
I strengthened my faith… I’m a child of God. I don’t have to remain silent when I’m wronged, even if no one wants to stand with me. I was going to stand in MY truth. I felt stronger… empowered. I’ve always made everyone else a priority… it was time I prioritized myself!
But that time never came.
When others offended me or hurt my feelings, I gathered as much courage as I could to stand up for myself and communicate clearly & respectfully how the situation left me feeling. But when they refused to acknowledge or meet me half-way, I would apologize – just to save the relationship, friendship, or whatever.
The connections almost always meant more to me than to the other person. It was causing serious havoc to my sense of self. This reinforced my belief that this happens because I’m worthless.
Until one day, the Truth that God makes NO mistakes (Psalm 18:30) once again entered my mind.
To be honest, I’ve always known that… but it’s always been easier for me to apply this Truth to everything and everyone else. In my world, God vouched for everyone else, except me.
How messed up is that?
Over 7 BILLION people in this world, and I felt like I’m the only one God doesn’t see.
That’s not right. So I sat and thought about everything I’ve been blessed with in my life. Not about other people’s horrible choices out of free will… but the blessings I’ve been embraced with despite the bricks that’s been thrown my way.
And I know my son is highly favored by God… if that’s the case, wouldn’t He have given Joshua the best mother to love, nurture, guide, and protect him? (Apply this to your life when you’re having difficulty self-validating.)
Yes… that gave me something to work with.
I’ve finally learned and accepted at the deepest level that when another person behaves in a way that disturbs your peace, you can do one of two things:
- Keep quiet and continue to tolerate
- Stand up for yourself and clearly communicate
They can either respect your heart and adjust their behavior… or they won’t.
It still hurts like all heck when they choose the latter, but the difference between me now and the old me is that I’m able to let go of those who make living in my space uncomfortable.
You may have placed a high value on the other person… making it difficult to let them go, in fear of missing out on someone wonderful. But you can’t neglect to value yourself either. Besides, how wonderful could they be if they can’t even show compassion for your heart?
There’s nothing you can do to change how another person feels about you. You can’t force someone to be sensitive to your feelings. It sucks, but that’s reality.
However… while you can’t change other people, you can change your thoughts, emotions, and how you respond.
That’s what I do now. When someone makes it clear that my thoughts and feelings are of no importance to them, then I accept their choice. I have to.
Then I follow through with MY choice to honor myself.
So, even if the entire world thinks you’re irrelevant (which is impossible – it just feels that way when people you’ve perceived as important behave as such)… it doesn’t change the FACT that our Creator makes NO mistakes.
You are not a mistake. You are not invisible. You are not irrelevant. You are not worthless.
God makes no mistakes.
It’s the other person’s right to decide where I stand in their life… and it’s my right to say good-bye to maintain self-respect and peace in my space.
I still feel the loss at first, but at least I no longer lose myself in exchange for someone who wouldn’t care if they lost me anyway.
You are not a mistake. You matter just as much as the people you value most… because God makes no mistakes.
P.S. Lemme know what you think!
Carmen is a mom, certified professional life strategist, breakup recovery coach, religion teacher, best selling author, foodie wannabe, and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. She is currently living la vida loca in Vegas with her not-so-little human… while pseudo-adulting, Tahitian dancing, and exploring the delicious world of bubble tea *woo!*