I was observing a mom struggling with her little one at the store… he was perhaps about 7 years old. After a few minutes of trying to get her kid to comply with her request without success, she resorted to… “Ok, ok… if you do this, I’ll get you that toy you wanted.” To which the child answered, “No you won’t. You always say that.”
This… THIS, my dear mommies and daddies… is WHY we are to never… NEVER EVER EVERRR make empty promises to our babies.
I get it… there are days when you’ve reached the end of your rope and just want everything to get done – no matter what it takes. So if you promise little Annie a sticker if she finishes all her lunch, well… be prepared to deliver that sticker, babe. Even if it means making one yourself with printing labels (not a bad idea, eh?).
Seriously… if you think it’s tough when they’re 3, 4, or 9? Wait til they turn 14… 16… or *gasp!*… 18 – ages when they decide to officially explore being their own person! If you don’t build and maintain trust with your kids right now… not only will a flimsy parent/kid relationship hurt your precious one, YOU are gonna have a heck of a time when they’re teens.
Trust is CRITICAL for a healthy, thriving parent/child relationship. Kids need to know you’re on their side and are looking out for them. Repeatedly breaking promises results in kids: not being able to count on you… not feeling that you’re looking out for their best interest… resenting you… withdrawing and keeping secrets from you… not being able to trust anyone else… or worse, they will begin to desperately search for someone, anyone to lean on.
Just Say “No!” To:
- Bribing your child to do something if you have no intention on delivering what you promised.
- Reassuring your kid that you’ll do something for/with them (take them to the movies, picking them up after a sports event) and repeatedly arrive late or flake out altogether.
IMPORTANT:
- If you make a promise but something unexpected comes up (illness, car breaks down, etc.)… let your child know that you’re genuinely sorry, and reschedule/make alternate plans and be certain to KEEP it.
I slapped that “Urgent” sign up there because this is serious stuff, peeps. Kids need to be able to find a “safe place” in you… and without trust, that place cannot exist. And as your child grows, it’ll be important for them to know they can trust you no matter what. And guess what? This bond will help motivate them to make wise choices of their own, based on your guidance… because they trust you.
My own son, JRoc, is now 14… and as cautious as he is with others, especially those he doesn’t know well, he’s always confident in our connection. When I give him advice or make a suggestion, he accepts without question. I asked him why he never argues with me over these things and he answered, “Mom, you’ve never lied to me or broken any promises. I know you’re always looking out for my best interest and I feel really good about trusting you completely.”
I just hope he continues feeling this way when he hits 18!
P.S. Lemme know what you think!
Carmen is a mom, certified professional life strategist, breakup recovery coach, religion teacher, best selling author, foodie wannabe, and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. She is currently living la vida loca in Vegas with her not-so-little human… while pseudo-adulting, Tahitian dancing, and exploring the delicious world of bubble tea *woo!*
Easy Spinach Artichoke Dip Pizza
Agreed, ninja person. Probably works with adults too.
Extra tip: don’t just drop your kids off (and pick them up) at their sporting events. Whenever possible, hang around and watch them.
We see it all the time with martial arts training. Those parents who stick around and watch their kids’ classes get a lot more out of the experience. Also, the kids seem closer to their parents, and as a bonus, we’ve seen parents start training as a result.
PS. You have nice handwriting. So, you can add that to the list. 🙂
Hahaha “ninja person”… lol. I totally agree with the “hang around” bit. I actually stay for the lessons and practices, and if I’m allowed, I volunteer as team mom, den mom, helper mom… whatever the group might need me for. And my kid hasn’t complained about it… yet! Lol.
PS. Thank you for complimenting my handwriting, stal… admirer person! 🙂
you are so smart c! i’ll remember this if and when i have kids of my own. and wow jroc is so stinkin cute! <3
Yes, it’ll save you a lot of grief! And thanks… I think he’s pretty cute too! 😉
This is so true. And it must be said for punishment as well. Kids have to know that you mean what you say. But the deeper issues are the values you live by.
Is your kid going to listen to you when you tell them to clean their room, but the rest of the house looks like a bomb went off?
“Eat your vegetables.” What about you?
“Don’t put things off until the last minute.” What about you?
And don’t even get me started on cell phones!
If you want to be credible, live by the standards you preach, and keep your word.
Great post. Enjoyed it!
Absolutely, Carole. We must teach by example! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! 🙂
This is a great point. My grandkids NEVER forget when I make them a promise. I’m proud that I don’t make empty promises and have never broken one to them.
Yup… kids take promises seriously. Wish more adults did the same too! You’re awesome, Alison… your grandkids are totally blessed to have you! xo
Having just started my blog this week, I’ve been doing a lot of research. Your blog is friggin’ fantastic! I’ll be use it as a resource for sure! I’ll be sure to share it o my log as soon as I figure out how!!!
Ohhh… that’s awesome, Danielle! And thank you for your kind words!!! Happy blogging! 🙂
Totally agree with you, promises once made should be kept at all cost. Whenever I miss out one, my daughter reminds me and makes sure I fulfill it. At the end of it, the happiness I get is something that cannot be described.
Oh yeah… kids are great at keeping track, aren’t they, Stacy? 🙂 And you’re right… that feeling of happiness… irreplaceable! 🙂
It’s all about meaning what you say, no matter what it is you’re saying. If you tell them they’re going to lose television for the evening for doing something bad, don’t cave and let them have it back when you aren’t so mad about what they did. Stick to your guns and mean what you say.
I knew a mom who’s son would ask her for a snack (or something along those lines) and she’d tell him no. He’d keep asking and crying for 10 minutes, and then she’d finally give in and say “fine, just have it!”
Can you guess what he would do every single time he asked her for something? It drove her insane and yet she kept feeding into it day after day, reinforcing the bad behavior.
I went on a bit of a tangent but the point is, mean what you say and your life (and your child’s life) will be easier.
Oh yes, absolutely, Evelyn! Just spitting out words for the sake of saying something is pretty lame… spitting out words to get a certain response/reaction is cheap. Totally screws up the trust/discipline … not only for the kids, but for the adults too. Besides, our kids deserve to be able to trust and feel safe with us. Thank you again! 🙂
This is such an important thing. I’m a huge advocate of consistency in punishment, meaning that your punishments do not change according to mood. Instead, punishments change according to the boo-boo. In addition to consistency, I’m an advocate of calm punishment. No yelling, no overreacting, no getting emotional. A simple “This is what you did. You know the rules, and this is your punishment” is good enough. Of course, a lecture is fine too to make sure they understand what they did wrong, but don’t overdo it! That can also be a form of cruel and unusual punishment 😛
Preach it, sista! Totally agree with you 100%, Joy!!! I don’t condone the psycho-mom punishing either… and you know what? Kids listen more closely when you speak quietly and calmly… (and I think it scares them more too! ahahaha) 🙂
I agree with you 100%! But it’s really tough at times, to address certain situations that our go-to becomes a more-or-less a band-aid solution.
I hear ya, Joanna… but that’s what parenting is about, right? We’re all a work in progress… both us and the kids 🙂 Keep smilin!!
This 100% true. my husband would always promise to our kids but most of the time he broke that promise and my kid is very devastated. If you have time please visit my http://www.thebaginvestigator.com
Yikes! Well, I’m sure you step up in the “reliable grown up” department! Hang in there 🙂
Totally agree with this. Kids are so much smarter than some people give them credit for! They know who they can trust!
Yes and yes, Lani! 🙂
This is so true! Great post! Its hard to do but its so important. Not keeping promises is like my biggest pet peeve though. Kids remember the things you say so if they cant have faith in what their parents say, what can they have faith in?
That’s exactly it, Christie… it’s our responsibility to be their “safe place”. And like you, not following through makes me want to throw a cactus at the offender! 🙂
It’s fun to see that every family has this issue with their kids. I think it’s mostly because you do not intend to break a promise, especially not to your kid. But it’s so easy to speak before you think.. and thus promise before realizing what your promise means to your kid and to yourself (what did you just promise to do??).
We have to be much more aware of what we say to our kids. And more.. what message are we sending out while communicating with them, verbally and non-verbally!
It’s a lot harder than it seems.. and kids are too damned smart for our own good! They remember everything.. My daughter always comes up to me with a story that happened ages ago.. sometimes I can’t even remember what happened yesterday.. 😉
Lately, I catch myself reminding myself that I need to be more aware of what message I’m trying to get across and what Carole said.. practice what you preach! And also, don’t repeat the ‘mistakes’ you feel your parents made while you were growing up.. #parentingisdifficult!
Love this post!
I totally agree, Jemima! The good intentions are usually there on our part, but things “happen” and sometimes, the things we promise to our kids just slips our mind…
The thing is, once you have established trust with your child, they’ll totally understand when you forget… at least it’s how it is here with me and my now 14 year old. They become confident that you did not intentionally break a promise, and gives you a chance to “make it up” without ill feelings 🙂
Parenting really is tricky… every adult and child is different… and that’s what makes it all the more fun and rewarding when we finally find what works!
Thank you for being here!!! *hugs*
Kids remember lies as parents work there way around busy schedules and exhausting days. I understand but its difficult. Better to take 3 extra minutes to explain before your child gets more upset at something that can be avoided
Oh, I totally agree… with all the business during the day, forgetting is inevitable! You’re right, communication and understanding is super important! 🙂
Hey ninja mom! I really like your post! It really resonates with me. When I was a kid my parents would often pick me up late from school and not come through on their promises. They tried their best and all I can do is be better than them. I find myself often doing what that mom did. Bribes…etc…getting the kids to do stuff when they won’t listen. I also hope that my kids will trust me into their teen years. It’s so important for them to be able to feel comfortable to talk to us about anything.
Hi Emily! Oh yeah… my mom was that way too… “she’s not going anywhere, so why do I need to rush to get there?” … lol. My response to that is, “Not doing that to my own child” 🙂
I think you and your kids will be just fine… they can feel you’re doing your best and looking out for their best interest… and as you continue to build this relationship, the trust will only grow, grow, grow!!! Believe me here… my son is now 14… I’m a single mommy… and he’s comfortable talking to me about ANYTHING. I’m the one blushing and covering my face to hide my nervousness! Lol…
Hugs to you!!!
Beautifully said.
Kids remember the promises, because they are important to them. If only parents realized how crushed their children were when they don’t follow through. We are the center of their universe. When we promise something, they look forward to it, count down for it, and are genuinely excited. My parents broke promise after promise to me when I was a child and I think that really contributed to the nonexistent relationship we have today. Thank you so much for sharing something so important! <3
I’m thrilled to see you here, Savannah!
And yes… absolutely. Kids look forward to our following through with promises. When they’re broken – and worse, if the adult dismisses the child’s disappointed feelings when it happens – it quickly chips away at the trust. Keeping promises helps make the child feel safe and builds their confidence… that they matter 🙂 My parents were the same… it didn’t seem to matter because I’m “just a kid”… but we fix this by doing better with our own babies, right? Hugs and love!!!
You are right on! After three kids and seven grandkids, it always works. If I tell them I will be there. If I forget, it’s makeup time and apology time. Works every time! I am so glad to hear common sense in this day and age! Thank you.
We assume that many of the promises we made to our kids have no after effects. And this sadly is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. How many times did you make hasty assurance about ice-cream after school? Similarly, there would be days when you promised to drive your child to her friend’s home if she’s done with all her assigned chores before afternoon. Because our lives are stressful, it’s easy to forget the promise you made. You might not feel bad about it, but for your little one, this is deeply heartbreaking.