Haven’t spoken to him in years. And it’s been over 7 years since we first split. Yet sometimes, I still find myself having a “word” with him in my head.
Especially when I see other fathers spending time with their sons. Oh gosh, my mind immediately gets busy with thought like, “You don’t even realize what you’ve been missing out…”, “You totally skipped out on ALL of our son’s school & extracurricular activities… you missed out on EVERYTHING.”
He missed JRoc’s school plays… talent shows… receiving the Distinguished Student Award at school… tee ball practices & games… cub scouts activities… taekwondo testings, sparring, and belt ceremonies… National Honor Society Induction… celebrating his Straight A report cards… EVERY SINGLE Birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Halloween, etc, etc, etc… since our son was FIVE.
“You missed them all… you ignorant man.”
Then the talk continues… “J’s now been without you in his life longer than he had you in it… his voice is changing… his hands and feet are bigger than mine… we’re now just about the same height. And you’re missing it all… how could this possibly be OK with you?”
But then I force myself to remember that he doesn’t feel he’s missing out on anything… otherwise, he wouldn’t have been absent for everything.
That thought somehow shoves me forward to feeling GRATEFUL that my child is thriving, healthy, happy, and doing so well in all areas of his life, regardless. The boy is incredibly intelligent (clearly got it from me), kind, confident, quick witted, funny (that’s from me too), and very compassionate for others (let’s face it, he’s all me)… he’s never been swept aside for later… promises I’ve made to him were never broken… love, attention, encouragement, discipline, and security fills every single moment of his life.
Then it hits me that I may be having these thoughts because I’m not a child of divorce… I still have both my parents. My family remains in tact. My son, however, has been raised in a very different type of family… but a family nonetheless. With so much love, guidance, security, and support… possibly even more than some two-parent families.
But before I have the chance to over-think even more, JRoc happily calls out, “C’mon mommy!! Let’s go outside! It’s hot out, so I’ll grab some popsicles!”
And just like the hundreds of times before, his wonderful energy snaps me back to reality… right here, with our happy, healthy, secure and love-filled family.
P.S. Lemme know what you think!
Carmen is a mom, certified professional life strategist, breakup recovery coach, religion teacher, best selling author, foodie wannabe, and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. She is currently living la vida loca in Vegas with her not-so-little human… while pseudo-adulting, Tahitian dancing, and exploring the delicious world of bubble tea *woo!*