Adulting Without Going Cray or Setting Things on Fire

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//  by Carmen Sakurai

Dear Carmen,

Recently, my marriage of 22 years suddenly came to a halt. My husband walked out of me and our children and I feel as though I cannot go on.

To add salt to this painful wound, I’ve been advised not to wear my heart on my sleeve so as not to burden others with my sadness and anger.  Other divorcees tell me they’ve “been there, done that” and I should be looking forward to a better life?

I am at a loss. How am I expected to act like all is well? I don’t want to burden anyone else, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,
Can’t Hide It Anymore

Dearest Can’t Hide…

I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and take it slow… one breath at a time… one step at a time.  If ever you feel like this is too much to bear, please find someone to confide in… whether a trusted family, friend… priest, counselor, or even a crisis hotline.  Just remember, you ABSOLUTELY CAN get through this. It’s going to be a crazy tough roller coaster ride until you’ve finally get your bearings back, but fight through it with all you have because there will be a time when you’ll finally see the light at the end of this awful tunnel.

As for those who tell you not to wear your heart on your sleeve? What do they think you are… a robot void of all emotion? Your life just took a violent turn, for cryin out loud… and they expect you to just sit there and smile like everything is OK?

I’m sure your friends b*tch about bad hair days, failed dinner attempts, inconsiderate spouses, and kids who can’t properly wipe their butts… but you can’t do the same after your heart has just been ripped out of your chest?  LAME.

People who give that kind of crappy advice have either:

  1. never experienced this kind of loss… or
  2. they’ve healed from the loss and expect you to “skip over” the mourning part of all this because they know there’s life (most cases, an ever better life) after divorce.

Just dismiss the first group… they can suck an egg.

And I’d expect some compassion from the latter… but you know what? It’s those people… the ones who went thru similar crap and survived… that you should find strength in. Their attitude shows they’ve reached a place in their lives where looking back at the suffering is almost a waste of time.  They just want to enjoy their great life… and want the same for you.

You CAN be “them” one day…

Just KNOW you CAN make it… fight through it because despite how you might be feeling about yourself right now, you are SOOOO worth fighting for!  I didn’t think I was strong enough to get through it when it happened to me 7 years ago… and as much as I wanted to give up, I couldn’t because I NEEDED to be here for my son.  You need to be there for your children… and especially for you.

But for now, cry when you need to.  You are certainly NOT a burden for feeling all the emotions that are rushing through you.  You DO NOT have to laugh & smile to make others feel better… because YOU are the one going through this very experience in your life.

Sending you love, and prayers for strength & peace in your heart & mind.

 

For more advice that I am in no way qualified to give, I invite you to browse through my “Dear Carmen:” section… or submit your question to be possibly featured in an upcoming post! ?

 
P.S. Lemme know what you think!

The advice I share are based on how I would personally handle the proposed challenges.

This website does not replace professional help. If you are experiencing symptoms of concern, seek professional help immediately by calling 911 or going to your local emergency room.

There is no shame in seeking mental / emotional help! Just as we turn to doctors when we have a fever, or dentists for a toothache… it is important to seek help from a competent psychologist, therapist, or coach when you’re not feeling mentally or emotionally well. xoxo

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. AvatarDeborah

    This post really touched me. Carmen, you are very compassionate and warm, and that was truly wonderful advice you gave to “Can’t Hide.”
    This post brought back… not feelings, but memories of feelings I had when I found out my husband had girlfriends on the side. Although I confess I am embarrassed by the outbursts and upset I experienced at the time, it was impossible not to let it out anytime, with anyone, anywhere, appropriate or not. I was told to envision a STOP sign. But that was stupid. You have to mourn in order to heal.
    Dear Can’t Hide: About your friends who have been through it, Carmen says, “Their attitude shows they’ve reached a place in their lives where looking back at the suffering is almost a waste of time. They just want to enjoy their great life… and want the same for you.” I wouldn’t have believed it while I was going through it, but that is EXACTLY how I feel now! I wish I could have talked to Carmen back then. Everything she says in this post is right on target.
    Take some time for yourself to mourn and “get it out of your system.” Then the rest of your life is up to you. You can do anything.

    • AvatarCarmen

      Hi Deborah…

      First I’m sending you gigantic hugs. It takes so much strength & courage to fight through betrayal like that, and it’s awesome that you used all that God blessed you with to come out the other side with a healthy spirit!

      I think the best we can do for anyone walking the rough road is to give them the freedom & space to get up & going how they feel most comfortable… after all, it’s their journey 🙂

      Thank you so much for sharing, Deborah! God Bless!!!